Smog Alerts and Terror Warnings for XMAS

Dec 24, 2015 - by Eponymous Rox

Several millions of Chinese citizens -- and now some of their foreign guests -- are doubly on alert this holiday season… 

China has been repeatedly issuing on-again off-again warnings about poisonous smog descending so thickly in many provinces that people with health conditions are endangered and others can’t even see to walk.

But now a broad terror alert has also been issued for Beijing and surrounding areas, after several foreign embassies, including America’s, received information concerning attacks planned for Christmas.

As a precaution, large swaths of the densely populated city are in fact on lockdown today, and heavily armed guards in camouflage are both patrolling and stationed at numerous tourist sites.

Chinese officials have confirmed that city attractions where westerners are known to congregate were specifically mentioned in this week’s “credible” threats.

They also said many of the places on the unnamed terrorists’ hit list were located in Beijing’s popular “expat districts.”

If those terror threats are genuine, they’ll mark the first time international visitors have ever been targeted on Chinese soil, security experts are claiming.

Meanwhile, sources at the North Pole, speaking on condition of anonymity because they have not been authorized to talk to the press, are confirming that Santa is en route as scheduled, after a brief kerfuffle in the reindeer pen over hoverboards and LED-equipped harnesses.

Santa’s spokespeople also want to urge everyone to remember to remain in their beds at scheduled delivery hours, so as to “avoid a repeat of the incident last year near Area 51” that resulted in large deposits of deer droppings but no presents.

They also stress that a great deal of preplanning and coordination is now required of Mr. Claus to successfully avoid low-flying objects, such as missiles or drones, as well as to safely navigate conflict areas and regions experiencing severe weather due to global warming.

For that reason, they are recommending (until further notice) that people leave the jolly but stressed-out elf nonalcoholic beverages only.

Cookies and bite-sized sandwiches are still permissible, they add, but please be mindful that Santa’s on a gluten-free diet these days, due to a flare-up of his diabetes.

Have a very safe and a very merry Christmas, everyone, from the folks at CRIME MAGAZINE!

 

 

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